Bloggers: Do you ever go back go over old blog posts and smile to yourself at the words you wrote and the feelings you expressed?
I did the same very recently.
I stumbled across my post, Cluck, written back in February 2012.
In it I wrote about being broody and there was a list of Ifs.. regarding a third baby.
Reading them now makes me smile.
Some of them make me laugh. Very loudly.
Let's take a look...
If I had another baby I'm back 4 years on the whole work front so financially we struggle again.
Ha! Starting up a new business - the husband - has strained the bank balance quite a bit and throw in the increased costs of living and...you get the point. Lots of us are struggling. On paper can many of us actually 'afford' more children?
If I had another baby it would be squished in with it's big brother or sister in their rooms - the girl likes her independence and the boy's room is the size of a box.
So what??! I shared a room with my sister and my brother at various times in my childhood. Heck, I was the youngest of five children living in a three bed bungalow! You just get on with it kids!
If I had another baby I would probably get even fatter and fall into a bigger cycle of self loathing.
Wow! I know I'm not the most positive person out there but 'self loathing'?? I've also proven to myself a bit of exercise and fewer cakes makes a great difference to whether I stay 'fatter' or not.
If I had another baby I would have to juggle feeding, nappies and naps with the school run - heck, I would have to go out at 8.30 and 3.00 regardless of whether my boobies were leaking or not.
I'm quite surprised at this one as I like to feel I am the master of organising. However, the kiddos were two years younger then and it did take an age to get out of the door. Now they are more independent and my juggling skills are much improved. And as for leaking boobs? Who cares? Anyone?!
We move on nearly two years to the present day and the broodiness has crept back. Massively.
Ironically we, as a couple, feel more emotionally ready for a baby than we did 8 and 6 years ago yet financially things have flipped.
I look on Instagram and my feed seems to be full of babies with mums in a similar position and age to me. Yes, I know IG, and social media in general, can gloss over the crap bits - whack on a good filter and we all look like we're having a ball. But still, every little face that pops out when I scroll down makes me take another gulp.
But am I being selfish?
There would be a big age gap between my two kiddos and any future baby. My two make a great team, will a third child ever get a look in with them?
I know couples who have struggled to conceive one, let alone two, children. Should I accept that I have been extremely fortunate to have two healthy children and just let things be?
I should be thankful I have those two. They are my world and I think it's pretty fulfilled with just the two of them.
Fulfilled - my word for 2015.
I want to find fulfilment in 2015.
Fulfilment in my family.
Fulfilment in my family.
x x x